Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
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I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks