Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

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So the Macarena turns out to be about a girl double-teaming her boyfriend’s friends. Now we know the lyrics were crowd-sourced from Twitter.


No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.


Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?


Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.


[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect


Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people


I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”


How To Be Interesting:

Never pronounce “Ray Liotta” the same way twice


I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.


If you’ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive “to work” to get a chick to leave your house then you’re not me.