Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
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[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..