@fastmofobanshee

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

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@Jay_FrickinLynn

*slams hands on table*

HOW DID BUZZ KNOW TO FREEZE AROUND HUMANS IF HE DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS A TOY, CAROL?

@markydoodoo

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

@DaHess1

Whenever someone dies they always tell me God called them home so that’s why I’ll never give Jesus my real phone number.

@CantWaitToNap

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

@FredTaming

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

@MomOnFire

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

@Adar79Angie

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

@Terdoh

Me: And what do you do if I tell you I’m having a heart attack?

Siri: I clear your browser history.

Me: That’s right darling.

@MrEd_EVH

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

@ch000ch

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking