*slams hands on table*
HOW DID BUZZ KNOW TO FREEZE AROUND HUMANS IF HE DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS A TOY, CAROL?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
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I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Whenever someone dies they always tell me God called them home so that’s why I’ll never give Jesus my real phone number.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Me: And what do you do if I tell you I’m having a heart attack?
Siri: I clear your browser history.
Me: That’s right darling.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking