*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
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Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets