Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
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In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
A ghost story
Lol
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.