[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
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[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
can’t catch a break
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”