@Staggfilms

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

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@nbadag

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

@carlyken

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

@jenlaw_11

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

@iLikeCatShirts

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

@TheAndrewNadeau

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

@SteveKoehler22

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

@utofellatio

Obama: we need to create a plan to reduce pollution
Biden: *turns from watching captain planet* have you asked the planeteers for help?