Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
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I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”