@PaigeKellerman

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

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@Taller_stories

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

@Reverend_Scott

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

@tigersgoroooar

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

@AndyAsAdjective

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?

ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

@SenatorBigfoot

“How’s Mason doing?”
Ugh, he’s going through this emu kid phase.
“Don’t you mean emo kid?”
*boy covered in feathers runs past*
I wish.

@Gooooats

I can no longer remember if I’m wearing clothes under this huge pile of candy wrappers.

@_Bluntsage

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

@Zac_Franklin

my default response when someone questions a risky text of mine is “sorry, I was drunk.”

But now everyone thinks I’m an alcoholic so..shit.

@buttsword

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no