@Michael1979

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

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@Gupton68

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

@robfee

Everyone in horror movies:
*Loud scream*
It was probably just the wind.
*Ghost flies across room*
Just the wind.
*Dog gets cut in half*
Wind

@gingerfaced

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

@Gupton68

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

@SkinnerSteven

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

@TheAndrewNadeau

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

@BBQJones28

When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking “they’re just keeping me to themselves”

@louvregguk

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

@audipenny

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space