Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]