Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
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Everyone in horror movies:
It was probably just the wind.
*Ghost flies across room*
Just the wind.
*Dog gets cut in half*
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I put the ‘c**k’ in ‘puts c**k in anything’.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking “they’re just keeping me to themselves”
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space