Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

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(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.


Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much


Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool


Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving


I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…


[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”


me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees


just said “Deep Homo” by accident instead of “Home Depot” & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they’re watching me tweet now gotta go