Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
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i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Life cycle of cat
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
#Caturday
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes