@KevinFarzad

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

You Might Also Like

@rachelle_mandik

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

@Brianhopecomedy

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

@Just_A_Guy72

Flowers:

Because nothing says “sorry a loved one passed away” like something else that’ll wither and die right in front of you

@ruinedpicnic

“you look nice” – sweet potato
“im so high” – baked potato
“you suck!” – roast potato
“what have I done” – guy who made talking potatoes

@RickAaron

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

@e4moji

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

@wesleybordelon

Me: Can I have a quickie?

Waitress: Sir, it’s pronounced “quiche”.

@behindyourback

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

@junejuly12

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow