Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
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Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
GUY: How do you make a living?
FRANKENSTEIN: make a living what?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
just said “Deep Homo” by accident instead of “Home Depot” & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they’re watching me tweet now gotta go