Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
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It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
掳pulls up to drive-thru掳
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don鈥檛 worry, simply check-in your bags here. That鈥檚 23 kilos you鈥檒l never see again.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: M每 d芒t臋 w貌没ld l铆k锚 th茅 ch臈茅s毛b没rg臋r, pl忙s锚.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I’m being attacked 馃槶
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
If I knew I鈥檇 have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Woman approaches me as I鈥檓 putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I鈥檓 visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN鈥橳 be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said