@texasstalkermom

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

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@steeve_again

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

@OakHill_

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

@MissHavisham

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

@TragicAllyHere

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

@NikiWithIssues

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

@thesulk

Next time you’re on an elevator with a stranger say, “If the doors open and it’s all zombies, let’s team up.”

@jackmackenroth

If I had kids I would name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete so when they misbehaved I would just hit them all at once.

@HogwartsLogic

If you ever feel bad about your procrastination, Harry had three month to figure out the egg clue and still did it the night before