Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
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*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
im all 3
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
i love meeting boys on tinder