@FredTaming me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
@KenJennings WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
1 Ricochet
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief
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@FredTaming 
@MikeCanRant *accidentally deletes a tweet*
MY LITERATURE!
@Vodkantots Awwww, she looks so sweet and peaceful when she’s not yelling.
-my kids, watching me sleep
@ArfMeasures Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
@billcheek26 I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
@DeanOkay All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
@hythemafia “Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
@FatherWithTwins 4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
@leftarmisme Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
@Darlainky *hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.