@Reverend_Scott

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

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@TweetPotato314

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

@TragicAllyHere

My son was crying and asked, “why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?” And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁

@LittleMissAngr1

Had an awkward phone convo with my little niece as she kept insisting my cat is such a good pervert. I vehemently denied this allegation and only as she presented her supporting arguments did I finally agree that he is indeed a very good PURRER.

@stevevsninjas

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

@capnwatsisname

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

@captainkalvis

me: what are they in for

zookeeper: this isn’t a prison

me: so they can leave

zookeeper: well no

me: [pointing to penguin] i bet that one killed somebody

zookeeper: he is not a murderer. he is just a penguin.

penguin: [grins, makes the throat slitting gesture]

@WheelTod

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

@_troyjohnson

Children grow an average of 2.5 inches a year. All of that growth happens in the 24 hours after you buy them new clothes.