Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
You Might Also Like
My son was crying and asked, “why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?” And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Had an awkward phone convo with my little niece as she kept insisting my cat is such a good pervert. I vehemently denied this allegation and only as she presented her supporting arguments did I finally agree that he is indeed a very good PURRER.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
But I love food, why would it want to poison me? 🙁
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
me: what are they in for
zookeeper: this isn’t a prison
me: so they can leave
zookeeper: well no
me: [pointing to penguin] i bet that one killed somebody
zookeeper: he is not a murderer. he is just a penguin.
penguin: [grins, makes the throat slitting gesture]
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Children grow an average of 2.5 inches a year. All of that growth happens in the 24 hours after you buy them new clothes.