@SoVeryBritish

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

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@ChicorelliStar

I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.

@hilary_ann_

I don’t like it when restaurant servers ask “So what are you guys doing tonight?” because it makes me feel lame. THIS is what we’re doing, Kevin. Eating at Chili’s IS the event.

@John_Quaintance

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

@Dallani

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

@TheToddWilliams

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

@smithsara79

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

@EndhooS

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

@pleatedjeans

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

@murrman5

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know