Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

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Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.


If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.


A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face


[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon


I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.


my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party


[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*


Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.


My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch


I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.