He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
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People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that