My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
You Might Also Like
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
is this a threat
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold