Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

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“you yelled ‘this is not my daddy!’ when i picked you up to leave the store. you’re lucky i let you live”

-how dad signs my birthday cards


If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.


date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman


[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day


If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.


me: “leave the door ajar on your way out”
jam salesman: [visibly confused]


I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum


My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”