Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
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Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don鈥檛 own a tennis racket ….
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you鈥檇 be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Someone stole my car鈥檚 steering wheel.
I just can鈥檛 handle it anymore.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
The concept of a sister wife doesn鈥檛 bother me so much as the fact there鈥檇 be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I don鈥檛 want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don鈥檛 fit us anymore.
Alright. Let鈥檚 cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Yes, but it was never about money
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 馃槀
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn鈥檛 give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Daughter: Daddy, I can鈥檛 sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I鈥檒l stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah