Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

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I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.


Women do not want to hear what you think..nnThey want to hear what they think..nnIn a deeper voice……


Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels


I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.


I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.


[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?


I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.


“the uk couldn’t POSSIBLY leave”

“trump couldn’t POSSIBLY be president”

“we couldn’t POSSIBLY start eating each other out of necessity”


Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?



4-year-old: This is a dream


Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.