Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
You Might Also Like
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.