@TuffyNyC

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

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@mdob11

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

@truegritrumble

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

@TheMichaelRock

The person who named Hors d’oeuvres should not be allowed to name anything else.

@pplwtching

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

@LoveNLunchmeat

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

@The1WhosCrazy

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

@Swishergirl24

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

@Contwixt

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.