Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
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[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”