Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
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ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired