They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
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89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.