Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
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Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
me after eating Cheetos
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
excuse me
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
this is the most humiliating day of my life
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.