I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
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dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
A dad and his duck
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,