We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
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Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
There is no “we” in pizza
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!