We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
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Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats