Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
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*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
accurate
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.