Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
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[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”