“Yo, somebody filled this calzone with a checkbook and sunglasses!”
-Vin Diesel eating a purse
We all have that one friend who thinks they can sing…and if you can’t think of who, that friend is you.
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Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
My son: Mommy I can’t wait to grow up and be a man.
Me: Don’t be silly son, you can’t do both
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
7y: mummy, how long have you been married to daddy?
Me: 7 years
7y: how long have you got left?
[first day as a cop]
me: suspect is running nude through downtown
dispatch: copy that
me: *starts undressing*
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…