@turtledumplin

We all have that one friend who thinks they can sing…and if you can’t think of who, that friend is you.

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@iRowlf

“Yo, somebody filled this calzone with a checkbook and sunglasses!”

-Vin Diesel eating a purse

@ObscureGent

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

@beefman138

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

@GuttaLikeNoOtha

My son: Mommy I can’t wait to grow up and be a man.

Me: Don’t be silly son, you can’t do both

@CantWaitToNap

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

@DevilryFun

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

@MissNaughty1801

7y: mummy, how long have you been married to daddy?
Me: 7 years
7y: how long have you got left?

@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a cop]

me: suspect is running nude through downtown

dispatch: copy that

me: *starts undressing*

@PS_IRuddYou

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…