We all have that one singing coworker that makes you want to test your throat grip.

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6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]


me: look, we need more strong female lead char-


I respect how the Hamburglar was like, “Hey, I know I’m at rock bottom here, but I’m going to be professional about it and wear a tie.”


So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley


Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now


Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast


I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.


My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.


When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.


I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal