If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
We all have that one singing coworker that makes you want to test your throat grip.
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Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.
HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.