@just1fool

We all have that one singing coworker that makes you want to test your throat grip.

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@rablivingstone

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

@dorsalstream

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

@ABostonTwit

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

@FatherWithTwins

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

@ravenswng_

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

@ddsmidt

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

@maxi_tea

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

@mydmac

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.