I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
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I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.