@IamSoffWilliams

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

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@n0tblonde

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

@VikingJonesy

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

@julcasagrande

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

@ShortSleeveSuit

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

@matt_obrien

Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name “fire place”

@brennadine

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

@007Rex_Inc

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

@shatty48

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.