You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
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My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Well, well, well, if it isn’t my inability to think before I speak
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name “fire place”
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.