we all know this pain all too well
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15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
May never get over this
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
that colleague who touches your screen