Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
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saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
The best plant holders?
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture