we all know who started this Dominos & Papa Johns beef

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Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.


If it’s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?


If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.


today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower


Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy


Sorry I dropped your baby and tried to catch it with my foot.


Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.


Me: *trying to sleep
Brain: He said you were pretty
Me: *smiles
Brain: but not beautiful


Instructions for having an adventure:
1. Stand outside restaurant.
2. Wait for someone to ask if you’re the valet.
3. Say yes.