We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
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As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.