Cell division, explained:
We all make fun of Kristen Stewart for her wide variety of facial expressions, but she’d probably kick all our asses in poker.
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So if something’s not “unique” then it’s just “ique,” right?
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
[answering door on halloween]
please stop giving the children hamsters
ME *hands full of hamsters*:
but it’s Halloween
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Sometimes I think the only thing I learn from my mistakes is how to make bigger ones.
Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.