@Home_Halfway

We all make fun of Kristen Stewart for her wide variety of facial expressions, but she’d probably kick all our asses in poker.

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@DrakeGatsby

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

@iamspacegirl

[answering door on halloween]

NEIGHBORHOOD MOM:
please stop giving the children hamsters

ME *hands full of hamsters*:
but it’s Halloween

@PorkUrPine

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

@TragicAllyHere

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

@mdob11

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

@better_off_dad

Sometimes I think the only thing I learn from my mistakes is how to make bigger ones.

@SeanINCypress

Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.