We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
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To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
¯_(ツ)_/¯
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.