We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

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I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.


Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.


White smoke from under my hood means either my starter went out or my car has elected a new Pope.


My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.


I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.


Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava


9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?


I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.