We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
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I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
58.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.