We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

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1)Print out a “WANTED” poster with your face on it.

2)Dress as a cop.

3)Go around asking people if they’ve seen this person.


Little Caesars: It’s hot and it’s ready.

Me: Is it good?

Little Caesars: It’s HOT. And it’s READY.


I just want to wear futuristic clothes & run up to people, ask them what year it is and the date and run away screaming “There’s still time”


Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.



Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy


*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.


One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.


Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.