We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
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All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.