@kfoagkfoag

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

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@aka_fatman

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

@iLikeCatShirts

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

@MarfSalvador

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

@ShrinkMedia

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

@mela_shea

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

@AnOrangeSNES

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

@ShootyDoody

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

@AsgardianRose

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

@BarryVonAwesome

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore