●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.
●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
ME: When do we–oh
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Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.
What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Our house has two bathrooms, but there’s a spider in one, so our house has one bathroom.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.