@kfoagkfoag

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

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@JaneSays___

Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone’s mouth while they’re talking?

@AnOrangeSNES

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

@LaziestCanine

[uses the restroom]
Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down
Me: okay
Me: [to toilet seat] you’re worthless and nobody likes you

@sixfootcandy

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

@BarebakAssassin

The best thing about dating someone with a barbed wire tattoo is knowing that you won’t be known as their “worst regret” when you break up.

@Beagz

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

@EmaSlema

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

@ValeeGrrl

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

@panmidwest

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time