I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
ME: When do we–oh
You Might Also Like
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet
It’s so hard to meet people these days
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore