@kfoagkfoag

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

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@Havish_AF

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

@beccalynward

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

@Matt_the_1st

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

@jonnysun

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

@sucittaM

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

@SladeWentworth

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

@prufrockluvsong

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

@MrGirlDad

Our house has two bathrooms, but there’s a spider in one, so our house has one bathroom.

@shesxridiculous

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.