Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
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In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Got him!
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.