was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
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Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Muppet Screams
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.