We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
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I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude