Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
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If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position
Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything.
Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon
Brain: oh dear
Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone
Waiter: Can I get you a drink ma’am ?
Me: Wow really bro right in front of me?
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles
Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles
Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze