WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
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I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
White parent Vs Arab parents
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”