@dog_feelings

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

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@bridger_w

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

@kieransofar

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

@funflaps

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position
Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything.
Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon
Brain: oh dear

@meganamram

Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone

@Sean_Burgundy_

[1st date]

Waiter: Can I get you a drink ma’am ?

Me: Wow really bro right in front of me?

@FU_TangClan

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

@adamgreattweet

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze