WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
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The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…