We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
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How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.