WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
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wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
The Sun
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery