@Daveastated

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

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@flashember

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

@daemonic3

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

@ThatEricAlper

Daft Punk is trending, which means you need to know the lyrics to one of their best songs.

@TheMichaelRock

[trying to be the cool dad]

me: what is up lit fam

15yo: dad, please stop

me: what are the goals of your squad

@WhiteBoyBubz

Netflix should have a category called
“easy to follow while looking at my
phone the whole time”

@Pro_Jones_

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

@3sunzzz

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.