DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
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Daft Punk is trending, which means you need to know the lyrics to one of their best songs.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn’t trust us
[trying to be the cool dad]
me: what is up lit fam
15yo: dad, please stop
me: what are the goals of your squad
Netflix should have a category called
“easy to follow while looking at my
phone the whole time”
Priest: They’ve written their vows
Wife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Loneliness can make you do some strange people.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.