“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
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I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
getting old is fun
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
British people be like I’m Bri ish
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.