@thatUPSdude

We are never going to defeat the Decepticons, they are too good. I mean Bumblebee can’t even talk!

~Pessimist Prime.

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@Izianikapani

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

@murrman5

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

@IchBin_Rob

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

@SarahR_82

That awkward moment when u lock binoculars with your neighbor.

@TweetPotato314

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

@YeahDrewisOn

I’ve learned there are two types of people in this world:

People I trust to help me bury bodies…

…and bodies

@LemmingDad

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

@Home_Halfway

{At concert}
“JUMP AROUND! JUMP AROUND! JUMP UP JUMP UP AND GET DOWN!!”
A group of baby bunnies: HELL YES THIS IS OUR SONG

@jrza84

I guess knocking on random dressing room doors in a department store and asking “hey, can I see how you look?” is frowned upon.

@_Heather82

Doctor: Looks like you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m pregnant?

Doctor: No it just looks like you are.