I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
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i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.