Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
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I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.