We are the people our parents warned us about.
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Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
#polloftheday
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy