We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
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[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]