@PFTompkins

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

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@mewchainz

My sister said she had strange cravings and an enhanced sense of smell so she must be pregnant, but I secretly thought, “werewolf.”

@Royceda59

I bought condoms. Cashier asked if I needed a bag, I said no she’s not that ugly RT @HeroinHadley:Tweet something inspirational. I need it.

@batkaren

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

@WhiskeyandMeds

It’s all fun and games until HR sends an email with “Your Twitter Account” in the subject line.

@DethOnTwoLegs

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

@Jake_Vig

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

@Tmoney68

Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.

@sip_at_home_mom

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

@stayathomies

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”

@seamussaid

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR